Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Losing Those That You Love

I was rummaging through some old pictures today looking for some old pictures for an upcoming post that I want to do and I came across a postcard that my Grandparents sent to me on April 16 of 1991 from Durango, CO, where they were living at the time and where I later went to school. At the time, I was only 3 years old. After reading it, I was bawling like a baby because it made me realize how much I miss them. 

I keep finding myself reaching for the phone wanting to call my Grandma about something, only to realize that I no longer can. I keep wondering why it keeps getting harder with each passing day that they are gone. Shouldn't this be getting easier? Now I have lost three Grandparents in the last four years and with each one that passed, it hurt more and more and it still does. I don't want to feel this way, but it is so hard sometimes. I know that they don't want me to sit here and cry but it is hard not to. I was closer with my Grandparents than I am with some of my other family members. 

I think the biggest thing that I am struggling with is the fact that they don't get to be at my wedding. I mean everyone wants to have the people that they love be there for big days such as this, and the fact that ever since I was little I have imagined this big day and they were always there celebrating it with me. Having to delete my Grandma from our guest list after she passed away killed me for days. It still does. I have been trying to think positively and I keep telling myself that they will be with all of us in spirit, but that doesn't make it any easier. I have been trying to make sure that I include small things in the wedding that will help me remind me that they are there. For instance my bouquet will have three small butterflies that symbolize them so that they will be right there with me through the entire wedding. I am also having a veil custom made for me from someone on Etsy and she is going to be putting three small lace butterflies on it so that I have another reminder of them when I see it. 

I know that many of you have lost family and I am sure that I am not the only one that feels these things. I am sorry that this is sort of depressing, but I found myself sitting in my bed and crying hysterically and this was the only thing that I could think of to calm myself down. So here I am in my bed at midnight, pouring all of this out in hopes that it will help me to better understand and accept why things happen the way that they do. 

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